What does a chemo patient feel?
In the recent months of my chemotherapy, a lot of people have asked me how it feels to undergo this treatment. Does it hurt? Does it burn? Is it as horrible as they say? Are you in pain?
I understand nobody willingly googles chemo side effects etc.
But I’m here to tell you what it’s like. Not to scare anyone. (Fair warning: not for the faint hearted — exit this page now while you can) But because with the increasing number of cancer cases, should you ever find yourself or a loved one in this position (God forbid), you’d know how it is from a person who actually went through it.
Now before I start, note that I’m only refering to my experience with early stage breast cancer chemotherapy. Other cancer treatments vary and it depends from case to case.
Here we go.
First off. Chemotherapy is basically a nuclear bomb that kills cells so there’s no remains of the cancer anywhere in your body. In the process it kills good cells also, lowering your immunity significantly — which is why increased threat of infection. Therefore extra care needs to be taken during the term of one’s treatment.
My knowledge of chemo was completely based off movies, shows, so I was expecting that my weight would be halved, I’d be hunched over the toilet throwing up and what not. Yeah, no.
So I asked my doctor about the side effects, what I can expect. He told me the major watch out is neutropenia, cardiac issues (but this is not a big one if you’re young), hair loss. I didn’t want to know too much because honestly, that would’ve freaked me out.
1st chemo, I was nervous but when the time came, it went smoothly. I expected burning sensations as the chemicals entered my body, but that never happened — it was needless dramatisation that my mind was building up.
The thing about chemo today is that they give you all the meds to safeguard a lot of the problematic effects like nausea, among other things.
It was all fine until they gave me an injection right before discharging me. It’s an injection that stimulates your bone marrow to produce white blood cells so you can fight off infections.
I don’t exactly know if it was that or the chemo, but on the way back home, I felt this wave of fatigue over my entire body. Like I was carrying a giant sack over my back… I could walk, talk and see things but it felt like time had slowed down. Someone scrambled my brains and I was overwhelmed with tiredness. Halfway home, I wanted to rush back to the hospital because I thought something was horribly wrong but I just calmed myself and somehow nodded off… As we pulled up to my apartment complex, I could barely push myself out of the car seat. I went straight to my room, on the bed and I told my mom I have absolutely no desire to eat anything. Cue Indian mother’s dramatic — KYAAAAAA???????
After a while, I ate because I knew I needed to strengthen myself. I powered through exactly 6 tablespoons of rice and daal and couldn't wait to crash.
The next 6 days were hell. My mind was in a constant fog, I couldn’t taste food like I used to, there would be these stabbing pains all over my upper and lower back like someone was pushing some 100 very small but sharp daggers. I felt dizzy through these days, and I would move at a pace of what felt like a pregnant sloth — maybe this is just me feeling like that. The idea of some foods made me want to vomit (didn’t actually vomit).
Some people face potty issues but thankfully this is one side effect I’ve managed to dodge (Thank you God for good poo).
I expected to lose my hair after a few cycles but right before the 3rd week post the 1st treatment, I started losing clumps of hair. At first I thought, this is just my usual hairfall until i pinched out a whole bunch. I had donated most of my long hair so I had a short cut and one day while washing my hair, the fall just wouldn’t stop, the shower drain was clogged with what looked like another person’s head (imagine the movie grudge and the woman emerging from the water — very close to that). That day, I got an electric clipper and my brother helped me shave off my head.
After a week, things started to look up. I was getting my taste back. The pain would dissipate. And I’d feel more and more energetic each day.
And this process has gotten better, but a lot of it remains the same each time I go back for another cycle. 1 week of torture, then back to normal — sometimes it takes a little longer but I try to be patient with myself. One foot in front of the other.
These are the physical effects.
Let’s talk about psychological effects.
Where do I even start?
Everyone tells you to be positive. Keep your mind strong. But its no cakewalk.
Despite my best efforts to spend my time reading scripture and meditating on God’s word, there were and are many many times, my mind has been tested. I’ve broken down many times, sometimes over the tiniest things to bigger things like fears of the future etc.
Each week brings a new emotional turmoil that gets caught in the complex web of my overthinking palace of a brain. Not being able to taste food surprisingly had a severe emotional effect on me. I felt angry, resentful and just plain stressed at the thought.
Losing hair was another one. I was so happy to donate my hair, I also thought that a bald head wouldn’t bother me so much. But when I saw myself in the mirror in my bathroom, all alone, after my shave… I couldn’t stop crying. The thought that my body… that I wouldn't look like my usual self for the rest of the year dawned on me only then.
When the stabbing pains begin, tears would stream down. I’d often wonder if this will ever end. And it does.
Even with people around, the battle feels like it’s just you. Because at the end of the day it’s true — it is you who has to feel all this and more. But thankfully, faith pushes me through the lonely times when I’ve to walk into hospital rooms or experience pain that’s only mine to have.
But the best part of all this is that you bounce back — physically and emotionally, with each day. I am able to sustain because of God.
I hope this helps you understand a little better about what it’s like for someone going through Chemo. Be nice, for you know not what battles someone is facing.
Until next time.
